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Domestic Violence the Grand Bully

Not everyone is privy to having a front row seat to domestic violence in their home, like I was growing up. A bully like domestic violence seeks to conquer and divide, I know it well. It teaches the next in line how to treat the ones they love or in this case how to control them with fear. It doesn't just affect the person being bullied through domestic violence, but every member in the home. If small kids are in the home, it cripples their happiness with fear making their only escape school, but once at school they lack focus far removed from anything happening in the class room and things around them. Is my mother okay? Will she be home when I get their? Will daddy hurt us like mommy? These are just some of the questions kids think off when there is domestic violence in the home. Having an angry parent is never fun, but having a mother who is in fear is even worse. Will something horrific happen when I am at school? Is it my fault? As you can see It's not just the person who is being abused that is in fear, but everyone in the entire home. Oh, and telling someone is not an option, you can't risk having folks knowing your business or what's really going on behind closed doors for fear of making things worse.

The mind of the abused is indeed in a state of survival and not just for themselves, but those they love. They see no way out and depending on the level of abuse they have already endured know that loss of life is their true escape. It's not if it will happen, but when.

You don’t know what you would do until you are face with constant abuse. You don’t know what you would do until you are placed in a prison within side your home. And again you don’t know what you would do when you have small eyes watching your every move. We all know domestic violence is real, still not enough is being done to stop it. Domestic violence like anything happens over time in many stages. The person is then trained to suffered attacks at home followed by the abuser feeling sorry and wanting to work things out. Where does this anger come from? Why is everything taken out on the spouse? Why do they feel it’s okay to live in fear? The truth is, they are afraid to leave because it’s all they know. Yet, some still make it out, but clearly not enough as you know.

Below is a list of why women stay in abusive relationships:

  • Fear- they are fearful to leave, making their partner upset is a no no and can make the attacks worse.

  • The Kids- Many abused women stay for the sake of the kids. They want them to have everything they need even if it's in the middle of abuse. They talk themselves out of leaving and into staying for the sake of being provided for.

  • No one can know- Leaving their relationship signals that something is wrong; having folks ask questions can cause more pain.

  • They still love them- In the mists of all the hurt and pain, they feel they can prove their love is real and stop the abuse. It’s a beauty and beast mentality.

  • Nowhere to go-They have no escape plan and no one they trust to help them get out of their relationship. They don't won't anyone else to get hurt.

  • Dying- they know that he won’t let them go, he is connected to them in a way of ownership, mines forever mindset. Leaving him is not an option, simple and plain.

  • Protect the family- they stay to protect the rest of the family and know that leaving will cause another member of the family to be targeted and attacked.

There is no way around abuse of any kind and women must learn how to leave a relationship in the safest possible way. The more people you get involved the more something can be done. Keeping domestic violence to yourself does not help you in your abusive relationship and here lays the problem many women don't seem to get. I understand why keeping things to yourself make you feel safe or I should say in control when you really aren't. In truth you are only buying your time before something tragic happens to you or those members in the home you are trying to protect. From the outside an abused person is free, but know they are far from freedom in their minds and home.

Many women go to work daily covering and hiding scars and bruises from co-workers. In their minds it’s their battle and theirs alone. They’ve hooked up with a beast that targets their every move making it hard for them to live. A punishment no one should have to ever endure. How do we stop it? What more can be done? For starters programs must be put in place and visible for people to seek help. I understand the stigma of being abused in your relationship is not something one wants people to know about, but still there must be clear and clean measures to help women and kids seeking protection from abuse or in this case domestic violence.

What else should we do?

  • Make it easy for women to report domestic violence without the fear of their partner retaliating.

  • Have safe zones at work and throughout the city .

  • Have protection programs for mothers and kids needing a new home.

  • Have programs for the abuser.

  • Don’t make it easy for a man or anyone to terrorize his family.

  • Have neighborhood programs for families in fear as safe zones.

The only way to get a hold on domestic violence is to cut it off at the root and that’s through self-awareness and getting more people involved.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 Confidential Support

1-800-799-7233 1-800-787-3224 (TTY for Deaf/hard of hearing)

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