Helen's Scars and Confessions
Featured Excerpt : Helen’s Scars: The extraordinary confessions of a young woman’s battle with abuse, drug addiction and prostitution.
New Book Release Launch June 20, 2017
I tried to kill myself this evening and nobody in my house had a clue. I took a couple of mamma's old sleeping pills hoping to make it quick and painless because I was tired of living. I am young with my whole life ahead of me. Folks would say eighteen is far too young to die. I knew my future was no good because I had a family who didn’t give a damn about me.
Maybe if I go to sleep and never wake up, I would be doing those around me a favor. But in the end death didn’t even want me and I woke up hours later wondering if I did it, if I died only to realize death for me was the air I was still breathing. And trying to escape this world through suicide would not be easy nor would it be my only try, it would be one of many.
Everyone, has a story to tell, I’ve just been contemplating if the world was ready to hear mine. You would be surprised at who will try to stop you from telling your story as if it will affect them. Where were those so-called family members when I was killing myself on the streets looking for love? I am here only by the grace of God. I have scars and my scars cover me from head to toe. Isn’t it funny how in the midst of your darkest hours of life and sin that darkness tries to make you laugh? It makes you forget about all the sorrow and pain it put you through before issuing you another gut-wrenching blow of misfortune? But, life never really offered me a laugh. I found my comfort by diving into a life of drugs and prostitution. My life was anything but perfect. And I knocked busters on their ass, men twice my size to prove that, I would not be taken advantage of in these streets. Fighting my brothers and sisters was a way of life. My family outcast me and my mamma turned her back to me while I was treated like trash in my own family.
Abuse, neglect, suicide, drug addiction and prostitution were a part of my darkest hours of life. Could it be that my mind has been trying to outrun my pain and sorrow all these years? Or is it that my pain doesn’t want me to forget what has happened? I thought that if I got married life would change for me, but looking back on it and laughing now, married life did not treat me any better. And that’s because my husband was strung out on heroin and running the streets sleeping with crackheads and whores. My family outcast me and my husband beat me. I laid down to die as a way to escape the pain I was feeling, but death didn’t want me, not then.
How did I get myself out of such a predicament? I did by the grace and mercy of God. I know that diamonds are precious stones. They are ugly to look at in their natural state and found amongst rocks and dirt walked on by people who don’t know their worth. I was a diamond and did not know my worth so long ago. I was stepped on in life and by people I loved and who I thought loved me. I added to my darkest hours with my own hands by the things that I was doing; I don’t deny it.
Today I am delivered, no longer living in life's darkest hours. I’ve survived my hell on earth and not ashamed to tell my story. Getting here wasn't easy, I cried many nights, but I am here strong standing in God's mercy and grace. I've overcome it all and if I can survive my darkest hours of life and find peace and happiness, so can you.
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